Once or twice a week, someone says to me "Hey, you should write a blog." Or, "Hey, you should totally have a Twitter!" Or, "Hey, sometimes you say funny shit on Facebook that I approve of by clicking 'Like!' I would read more of this!"
Since I am far too long winded for Twitter and clearly there is a real need for me to branch out, here I am.
The office I'm working in at the moment has a ridiculous policy of forcing everyone to take hour lunches because of business hours and staffing and assorted bureaucratic whathaveyou. I, for one, certainly do not need an hour lunch. I can eat my sandwich/fruit/yogurt/salad/whatever in about 10-15 minutes. I do not want to nap on office furniture or play Angry Birds or hangout in the shitty beige breakroom. I want to take a 15 minute lunch and leave 45 minutes early. But that's not how shit goes down, corporate-style.
It's been unseasonably warm here in Pittsburgh (as are most places that are supposed to be an end-of-winter-angry-snow-shit-show in March) and I try, everyday, to walk as much as possible, in an effort to shed my "winter coat." Of fat. I mean... I'm not enormous and I maintain a relatively healthy diet, but I do generally live a pretty sedentary lifestyle and rather enjoy beer a lot. And by beer I don't mean anything bearing the word "lite," especially not when it follows the words "Bud" or "Miller" (unless if it's free, cause, in the words of my mom, "If it's free, it's fo' me!"). So, anyway, long story short (too late), I've got a belly, and the aforementioned inflated lunch hour affords me the opportunity to sort of power-walk that shit off.
There are three things that I find to be generally uncontrollable when I find myself traipsing through the city on break, two of which are direct results of listening to music. The music's usually something upbeat and appropriately 'gay', which, in turn, causes the first side effect: me stomping like a crazy diseased horse/drag queen/runway supermodel. I was told once, in grad school, that I have a very distinct walk even when I'm not working the metaphorical catwalk. Specifically, from the waist up, I was told I carry myself like "a mincing tailor," and from the waist down, I apparently walk like a construction worker. Apply that to the following scenario: me, clad in a shirt and tie, bopping through the streets of downtown Pittsburgh like I think I'm on America's Next Top Gay Power Walking Model.
Which brings me to the second thing that happens on my walks: I have to consciously stop myself from lip-synching and dancing. Mostly, I can just tone it down so it might look like I'm mumbling or cursing under my breath, but often, I will sell that shit like popcorn at the movies. I have choreographed spectacles running through my head at any given moment and, occasionally, I allow myself to shimmy, thrust, ball-change down the street, dramatically mouthing the words to whatever's on my iPod. I'm sure it's quite a sight.
The final thing that I can't control when I'm walking around on my ridiculously long lunch break? I judge people. I look at what they're wearing, where they're going, who they're with, and how they're acting. Like today? Fat guy on the bridge in the blue Power Rangers uniform t-shirt? I fully approve. Pregnant lady with homemade hand-and-foot tattoos standing outside the courthouse? I do NOT approve. All of the cretins in either booty shorts or muscle tees hanging out at CVS buying one thing at a time when I need to get back to work and seriously they should have a separate line for people who are just loitering and buying their 99-cent giant can of Arizona Tea and/or Fruit Beverage because me and the rest of the office bitches actually have to be somewhere doing things we get paid for? Those bitches? Not a fan.
I'll leave you with my playlist of sassy, gay-friendly, runway-ready tunes from today's excursion. I am not responsible if they turn you into a glitter-sweating, bitchfaced Liza impersonator like me on the subway
1. Alphabeat - Telephone/Bad Romance
2. Taylor Dayne - Tell It To My Heart
3. Sam Sparro - Happiness
4. Scissor Sisters vs. Krystal Pepsy - Shady Love
5. Kylie Minogue - Breathe (Tee's Freeze Mix)
6. Teena Marie - Square Biz
7. Alphabeat - Vacation
8. Girls Aloud - The Show
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